my hole.

I have a whole in my heart. Did I tell you that? It's true. It's been there for 5 years. It can't be seen by x rays, or the natural eye. But its there. And it will never go away. Sometimes I think its gone, but after days like this, I am reminded it's still there.

It's been 5 year 3 months 29 days since I've seen her face. I miss it. A lot.

Until the day I see her and touch her skin, my hole, burned into my heart by her death will forever be there.

Angels and Demons

Remember how I started doing movie reviews? Well I forgot to mention that I will be doing them WAY after they have been released. I don't really make it to the movie theater that much:)

I would give this movie 2 1/2 chickens (I don't want to use stars... everyone uses stars.) Here's my opinion:

P R O ' S

• WAY good dialogue. The conversations between science vs. religion was totally captivating.
• The story line. I did not read the book so it kept me guessing the whole time. I LOVE THAT. Usually I can predict how movies are gonna end... but not this one.
  
• No sex or hardly any swearing.

C O N ' S

• TOO MUCH VIOLENCE. Goodness gracious, people were dying everywhere. It was getting SO old. Plus some of the deaths were pretty gruesome. Not my cup of tea.
• When movies are made about another religion, I am always somewhat sensitive to the material in it. I don't know what's true to their faith or being made up. I don't want to assume weird things about them until I know the facts. Being a Mormon, I can totally sympathize with false doctrine being spread about ones faith.
• The freakin good guy ended up being the bad guy. I hate it when that happens in movies. I get too emotionally attached the characters.

Here was my favorite line from the movie. I find it quite profound:

science and religion are not enemies! There are simply some things that science is just too young to understand. So the church pleads: "stop", "slow down", "think", "wait"... and for this - they call us backward. But who is more ignorant: the man who cannot define lightning, or the man who does not respect its natural awesome power?

Quack. Quack. Im QUIRKY

I have a life long mission to live a transparent life. To complete this mission, it means I need embrace the inner me. ALL OF ME. Even my quirkiness.

On Tuesday I worked for basically 14 hours straight. By the end of the night I was so perma-fried, all socially normal behaviors went out the window! Any social dignity I had was gone. Lucky for me, I was at my own house so Robbie was the only one who got the CRAZY one women show.

In our bedroom, we have a small double door storage area built into the wall. While Robbie was brushing his teeth, I though I would be SO funny and attack him with tennis balls. I hid behind the door and waited for the enemy, aka Robbie to emerge into our bedroom. I had a hard time being silent behind the doors, because I was chuckling my evil little laugh. Robbie entered the room, and BAM! I threw about 15 tennis balls at him, and hit him TWICE. I was laughing so hard I couldn't even hit him.

Bless Robbie's heart for putting up with me:)

My quirkiness doesn't come out only after 14 hours of work. I am quirky 24/7. I decided to share with you a list of my daily quirks.

1. Every morning, I eat my cereal in Tupperware. I have no clue why I don't use a real bowl, but I don't.
Me + cereal in Tupperware = happiness

2. I am a creature of habit. When I start a new semester, I sit down in my classroom, and that seat becomes MINE for the whole semester. If someone else sits there one day, I secretly hate them.

3. I peel my banana's at the bottom. ALWAYS. No exceptions.

4. After I get done getting ready, I look in the mirror and smile at myself. Why? Your never fully dressed without a smile:)

5. I don't sleep with sheets. And my blanket can NEVER be tucked in. Drives me nuts.

6. If I am in a bathroom with a shower curtain, and that curtain is closed, I have to open it to see if there is a boogy man in there.

7. When I am turning up the volume on the remote, the number MUST be an even number. Except it can land on a 5. Five is the ONLY exception.

8. When I eat frosted mini-wheats, I separate them into 3 piles. 1) The sugary goodness ones to go in my Tupperware. 2) The not enough frosting ones. (they go in the garbage.) 3. The maybe pile. Ridiculous, I know.


Well this is all I could come up with since I have been sitting here in class for 20 minutes.

What are your quirks? Come on don't ashamed. EMBRACE your inner quirk


Since all posts are better with a picture. This is me after my 2hour Valentines Day nap.




happy friday.

loves.hugs.kisses.

jess.

Moments spared in time

for this month of L.O.V.E. i wanted to write little memories i have of you. memories that make me BEAM inside and out every time i think about them.


one. we were sitting in your car with the heater on full blast, staring at the temple that split between the trees. the lights from that magnificent structure made everything around us look as it was daylight. you were teasing me about something. and then it happened... you kissed me. kissed me for the first time.

and at that moment. time had stopped.

two. once again, we find ourselves sitting in the car. driving this time. driving home from a basketball game. i looked at you, you looked back. and that one look brought tears to eyes. happy tears. tears of joy because you were dating ME.

and at that moment, on the free way, time ceased to exist.

three. you rang the doorbell. the butterflies in my tummy were fluttering their little wings faster than they had ever fluttered before. i went to the door...actually i RAN to the door. My eyes met yours. and instantly all butterflies came to a hault. I was looking at my future husband. the man who came to take me to the temple. my eternal companion. my everything.

and at that moment, in my doorway, time was lost.

four. it was late. like 2 in the morning late. i was having a meltdown. tears were everywhere, and i had no idea if they would ever stop. my arms flung around your neck, and i squeezed you so tightly i was surprised you could breath. and in my ear you whispered words of love. i stopped.

and that moment, through my wet eyes, time was nowhere to be found.

five. once again it is late. this time 3 in the morning. you have been sleeping for hours. i crawl into bed, and immediately your body is wrapped around mine, and in your deep slumbers, instinctively you announced to me, "I LOVE YOU."

and at that moment, in the wee hours of the night, while you were fast asleep time was at a halt.

six. i was scared. scared to start my photography business. there were too many unknowns. and you know me, i don't like the unknown. you sat their, on the couch, for hours couching me and building my confidence. and your talk did it. it inspired me. it gave me the push i needed. you gave me wings. wings to fly.

and at that moment, with the wings on my back, time had dismissed itself.

seven. it happened last week. i was in the kitchen. i came to find you. i found you kneeling. kneeling at our bed praying to god. praying is not uncommon to you, but while i stared at you i felt like i could hear your prayers, hear you giving thanks to our lord and savior. i was overcome by the spirit. gratitude for you was spilling out of my soul.

and that moment, while your knees were down and prayers were being sent to up, time was frozen. frozen by god.


rob dog i love you. you are my love and my life.

happy love month everyone!

I don't wanna grow up....

I'm a Toy's R Us kid!

Robbie affectionately teases me probably on a daily basis on how I'm still like a little kid. And his teasing is true. I am SO like a little kid. So it got me thinking and I have come up with a list of ways I still have not grown up.

1. When given a choice to watch a movie, my instinct is to ALWAYS pick a Disney Movie. Here a few of my favorites:

{wow, I had a hard time just picking a few. I could have chosen WAY more:)}

2. I prefer drinking from a water bottle, because it makes me feel like its a baby bottle. Hmm... that's kind of embarrassing to admit!

3. I am still afraid of the dark. TRUE STORY! We can't go to sleep at night till I shut my eyes tight and grab the covers. THEN, Robbie can turn the light off.

4. When I'm sick or even just have a headache or tummy ache, I won't get medicine for myself. I like Robbie to do it because it makes feel like I'm being taken care of. My mom used to ALWAYS give me my medicine.

5. I still say Tummy:)

6. I can't hold still in church. It's true. One Sunday we were sitting in the pew in front of the bishops wife and family, and after sacrament meeting she tapped my shoulder and asked if I have ADD. Kind of embarrassing.

7. I wear my hair in braids AT LEAST once a week. Want proof? This is what I look like today:

8. I don't go pee until the very last second. Like right now, I am dancing in my chair, and squeezing my thighs together. TMI?

9. I may or may not whine till I get my way:) The sad thing about this one is Robbie doesn't give in to my whining.

10. You can bribe with me candy, and I'll do a chore.



Maybe after people read this post, they will stop asking us when we are going to have kids. They will see that Robbie already has one:) {P.S. It does NOT bug me when people ask us this.}

Power in Words

This was sent to me from my cousin. Its BEYOND beautiful.

THE INVITATION

---

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithful
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

- Oriah Mountain Dreamer
From Dreams of Desire (1995)
© 1995 by Oriah House. All Rights Reserved.
Published by Mountain Dreaming
300 Coxwell Avenue, Box 22546
Toronto, Ontario
Canada M4L 2A0

Oriah writes:

While I am pleased that this piece, The Invitation, has spoken to many others and happy that it is being shared, I would ask that you honour the original by sharing it as it was written.